Dreams

I am one of those people who have very vivid dreams, disturbingly so at times. A dream I had last week has been really bothering me and I'm still wondering what was behind it. In my dream I had been involved in a terrible accident, or had had a very serious illness, and another woman that I did not know had had the same thing. The gist of the dream is this: This woman and I had had surgery and our faces had been transplanted on to each other. She had my face, and I had hers. The most disturbing part of the dream was when I looked in the mirror, and saw that the face looking back at me was not mine. Also our teeth had been exchanged, and my lovely straight teeth had been swapped for terrible crooked ones! I was so upset (in my dream) as I am really proud of my teeth!
I have several thoughts about it. Maybe I have been watching too many episodes of '10 years younger'! I know my appearance does mean an awful lot to me, and obviously I am aware of the ageing process. Also I am really vain about my teeth, I know I am really lucky to have such good even teeth, and I'm always flossing etc, to look after them! But I have been trying recently to be less concerned about the size and shape of my body, and just to eat healthily and enjoy life.
I am certainly less hung up over it than I used to be!

Goodness knows why I am writing all this, and what the heck it has to do with IE I do not know, (!) but maybe writing it all down like this will get it out of my system!

It's nearly a year since I started Beyond Chocolate, since I attended the workshop that is. It was really a turning point for me, and has given me an entirely new focus, as far as eating is concerned. I don't ever worry about dieting now, obviously my body weight and size is still a concern and I would like to be smaller.
But I have learned over the years, that dieting is not going to ever 'fix' this for me, and so that part of my life is finished. A lot of the 'disordered' eating that I did has also stopped, and this is greatly heartening for me. I used to be so distressed about the fact that I couldn't control myself in certain situations, and really hated myself for what I saw was my 'lack of control'. Of course what I now know is that I had extraordinary control over my food intake for quite lengthy periods of time, and that the 'disordered' phases of my eating were due to this strict regime that I took up at others. Funnily enough, now that I have 'legalised' a lot of my so called 'forbidden foods' I don't actually want them at all! In fact now I am not on a diet, I eat far less sweet stuff, and rubbish than I did when I was dieting. The chocolate bars (Swiss milk chocolate is my favourite at the moment) just sit in the cupboard for weeks on end, and I bought some Madeleines when I did my on-line shop (they looked so tempting) but I have eaten a couple of them, and really they are pretty tasteless and bland. So they will probably end up in the bin! I eat a lot of fruit) as per my last entry, and love salads, fish, white meat and veg.
Even my alcohol intake has gone down, as it sometimes makes me feel a bit grotty in the mornings, I found myself pouring my wineglass full into my husbands glass tonight, as I decided I didn't really fancy it after all.

The one area which I still feel I need to work on is the 'Move' principal. I just can't get motivated now I have started teaching in a new department at school. The hours are even longer, and I can't seem to find the time or energy.

I Love Fruit

I do.

I love fresh pineapple, melon; especially honedew melon, fresh figs, plums, grapes; especially black ones, and apples; russets are my favourites at the moment.

That's all I want to say today!

Looking Back

I had quite a tough day at work today, getting used to teaching a new year group, and trying to get (some) of my class to knuckle down to some work. I had to get quite tough with one or two of them, (which I really hate doing, as they are sweeties really!) So I kept them in at playtime, which was a real shock, I don’t think they thought I’d really do it! By the end of the day (desperate for the loo, and no-one to call on to relieve me!) I had really had enough. I was thinking as I went home, that formerly I would have bought chocolate or sweets at the garage on my way home. I wasn’t tempted at all though, as it comes naturally (most of the time!) to ‘tune in’, and think about what I really want, and what would comfort me. I just decided that I wanted a drink, (nice cup of tea when I got home), a tasty dinner ( salmon stir fry made by o/h) and a relaxing evening with no school work! Well I got the first two, but the last is unlikely! It is reassuring to look back on what I used to be like, and think how far I have come down this road. And it’s Friday tomorrow!

GRrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Isn't it always the way, when you feel things are going smoothly, things start to go wrong?

I was beginning to think I had settled back into my routine, when I think I took my eye off the ball! It was the weekend, and I had a couple of meals out, which was fine. Then I was on my own on Sunday doing my weeks planning (which took over 3 and a half hours; and that wasn't all of it!) when I couldn't stop eating a loaf of white bread which I had bought that day before. Then today at work I started eating digestive biscuits which were on the staffroom table. I had just had my lunch, I wasn't hungry, and I ended up with horrendous indigestion!

I think, I was so complacent becaus things were going so well, that I just forgot to tune in and ask myself what it was that I really wanted. A lot of the time, its just a bit of space, or a bit of time to myself. That eating is just a way of prolonging something pleasurable. I forgot to pause and ask myself if I was really hungry.

Oh well, back to the drawing board!

Back to Earth...

... with a bump!

And back to work. I spent most of last week getting my clasroom ready, and we were back with 2 Inset days, and then the children were in for the first time today. The 2 Inset days (In Service Educational Training) were exhausting, and it was nice to have the children in for a rest! Eating wise I am back into my IE routine, and its been very easy, and quite a relief to get back to it properly. I am nearer to the staff room this year, and this makes it easier at break times, also I can eat my breakfast just before the children come in, if I want to.

My digestion seems to have settled down too, which is a bonus. One of our members of staff has just succesfully lost over 4 stone using a system of meal replacements. She looks an awful lot better for it, and as she is not a 'serial dieter' like I am, it should work o.k. for her. I did catch myself thinking 'Hmmm, could I do that? But I know I couldn't, and the thought was only there for a moment. I would much rather try to conquer my dieting and weight demons the kind 'Beyond Chocolate' way!

Two weeks in Heaven!

And I mean that! I have had two lovely weeks on holiday with my daughter in Ibiza. It's our yearly time together on our 'girly holiday'. The days we spent either by the pool (me) or in the pool (her). Or we would take an outing, or a boat trip, or walk to the splendid Hippy Market in our resort (shopping heaven!) Evenings we watched the hotel's excellent entertainment, or walked around Ibiza town.

The first week I think I was pretty strict with myself, and kept to the principles quite well. I knew I wasn't doing so well the second week when I developed horrendous heartburn (always a sign that I am overdoing it) The food (a very varied buffet) was good in that you can choose what you want to eat, but I just think 3 meals a day was too much for me. I haven't yet been able to sit and eat nothing at a meal when others are eating, and I couldn't skip meals because of my daughter.

But I'm not going to beat myself up, I had a great time, and I don't think too much damage has been done. I have pretty much returned to my normal eating routine now I an home.

I'll miss all that lovely fruit though, especially the melon! It never tastes quite as good at home!