I've just realised that it's about a month since I last posted. I just don't feel the need to blog about eating so much any more, which I think is actually a good sign. I really feel like the IE thing is so embedded that I don't need it as much as I did at the beginning.
I have had some family worries over the past month or so which I won't go into here, and I have noticed a lot about how emotional issues affect my eating. When something upsets me, I lose my appetite completely. Then a day or so later; my 'hunger' can be uncontrollable. Except it's not, because I now know the difference between 'real' hunger and 'phantom' hunger. So if I am in the right frame of mind, I can pause and ask myself what is going on, and hold that inner dialogue.
The book I mentioned in my last post is good and has made me think. But I actually think I am quite far on in my journey, and reading the book has made me realise that.
I had a peaceful break in the Lake District with my o/h which was fantstic for my stress levels. I slept better than I had in weeks!
I am a great reader, I always have to have a book (or two!) on the go, and my latest is 'Shrink Yourself' by Roger Gould.
Now I know I have come a long way in the IE journey, but I think I still am a bit unsatisfied with the fact that I haven't really lost a lot of weight. I have lost about a stone since doing the workshop but since that was a year last October.
I feel I would like to explore any issues that are keeping me 'stuck' at my present weight. I am moving my body a lot more now my ankle is a bit better, but the weight is not really shifting. I like my body, but would like to lose a bit off my tummy to be honest.
I feel there is something holding me back, and this book will I hope help me to find out what it is.
Going out to walk now!
This Saturday I opened my post to find a copy of a Genneen Roth book that I ordered from the US. It's the very first one she wrote, along with some of the members of her workshops, and it is really worth a read.
The reason I like is that we all have different reasons for bingeing, or over eating, whatever you want to call it, and not every person's story 'chimes'. But some do, and this really makes you think. I am a great believer in the sub-concious mind's ability to 'mull over' things, and I often do this with my lesson prep for school. I'll start thinking about a topic for a lesson and then leave it to 'ferment' for a couple of days. Suddenly a really good idea about the lesson will pop into my mind and off I go! What has this got to do with the book, well, I think if you read something and it chimes with your subconcious mind, then sooner or later you will be remimnded of some experience you had as a child, or some reason why you do something, that previously you struggled with.
I've struggled to think of reasons why I overate for so many years, and I think I pretty well have sorted most of it out, but there is still that 'feeling' that I get, that I really can't explain, and there are some experiences in that book that may help me to sort it out.
Also I think that bingeing is the same as putting your fingers in your ears and going 'la, la I'm not listening' to the whole world.
You just want it all to go away.
My class are so funny, they really are. They are so full of enthusiasm, they get exited about spelling and times tables tests, and new geography topics that seem quite boring to me. I love them to bits!
This week, we have been doing a new exercise programme called Activate. (Val Sabin) It is 10 minutes at the start of the day and 5 minutes before afternoon lessons. It's a mixture of aerobic, and brain-gym like exercises, and we use a DVD. I do the exercises too, and so do my TAs. The kids absolutely love it, and it seems to have a calming effect on them, conversley, they seem a bit more alert- as some of them are inclined to be a bit yawny first thing.
It's made me be bit more keen to exercise which is also a good thing!
Is it me or is this the 'slow blogging' season? Everyone including myself, seems to be having a 'not much to say' time.
I suppose its the in between season time that we are in, the weather was almost springlike for a couple of days but now winter has descended again...
I am on holiday for two weeks so feeling remarkably unstressed and happy. Not that I don't like my job, but it can be very stressful at times and I do resent the amount of hours I have to put in with planning, marking and doing displays etc. So its nice to have a bit of respite.
I have a busy week to look forward to; I am going to a meeting about my daughters future planning on Monday, hairdressers and date in London with BC forum girlies Tuesday, out with Mum and Dad Wednesday, theatre trip with daughter for her birthday Thursday; going to see 'Hairspray' http://www.hairspraythemusical.co.uk/ which is a great feel good show.
Then on Friday I am off for a weekend in Belfast with the charity that I am involved with, we run a conference for parents where they can meet experts and speak to them about the syndrome.
So a very busy time, and no worries about food/dieting for me.
Eating this way has been a big revelation to me, and I have been revelling in it. It really suits me mentally to only eat when I am hungry and only eat the foods I am hungy for.
But it does not suit me physically.
I won't go into the details but I have had a few problems recently because of my diet and lack of roughage. It has been very unpleasant and very painful too.
So now I have realised that I must take care of my body properly by eating more regularly, trying to eat more fiber rich foods, and more fruit and vegetables!
Its taken me a while to realise this, but I can't ignore what my body is saying to mw anymore.
A big test of my IE is always lunch round my Mum and Dad's with the family. This year all my closest family were going to be there, and I was really looking forward to it. My 24 year old daughter who lives an hours drive from my Mum's was expecting me to pick her up, but there was a really bad snow storm, so o/h went instead, while I and my son helped round Mum's. I phoned my daughter to tell her that we really thought she should stay over with us as the weather was so bad.
Unfortunately this sent her into complete meltdown. She has a rare genetic syndrome Cornelia de Lange Syndrome http://www.cdls.org.uk/ and this sadly has effects on her behaviour at times .
O/h managed to get her to calm down and come round Mum's after all (she began to say she wouldn't come at all!) I think she enjoyed herself, and had actually agreed when she had calmed down that she would stay over, as the weather was quite dangerous. (Health and safety is one of her 'things!')
However after her cousins had left, and the weather had cleared up, she started to feel really unwell and decided she wanted to go home, so o/h took her (another long drive!).
It was a real shame, and I felt that the day was a bit spoiled, for me anyway. She has developed a real obsession with one of her housemates, and doesn't like to be very long away from him, which is causing quite a few problems for her.
Why I have written all this is to help myself I suppose. It's not easy having a handicapped child, and what people don't realise is that the responsibilty goes on for a lifetime.
Also we have worked really hard for her to be independent and to want to live away from home, so can't really complain when she expresses her independence.
It has made me a bit sad though. But I am not using food to stuff down my feelings like I used to.
Everything is fine, just not had a lot of time for writing on here, and I haven't has a lot to say.
I wonder how long this is going to take? Years I suppose, which is understandable, since I have been struggling with my eating for a lifetime. I use to think that all I wanted was to be a 'normal eater', and I really think that I am that now. But I still have times when I doubt myself, dislike my 'wobbly bits', and tell myself off. So I am not all fixed yet, and there is still more to do.
On the positive side I am moving my body a lot more now, I am really enjoying the walking, and fitting it into my daily activity suits me well. Most days I am doing my 10,000, the light evenings help!
And I think the 'chocolate phase' is nearly finished!
This is a very long road to travel I feel. I'ts not that I don't feel I am making progress, that's not the case at all. I'm just wondering when the journey will be over and I'll feel like I've arrived somewhere.
I suppose after a lifetime of dieting and bingeing, I can't really expect anything else.
I have been working on moving my body far more, recently, which is progress for me, as I have been very resistant to this in the past. I have been working on my steps over the last fortnight, and on most days have done the 10,000 I have been aiming for. Now the evenings are getting lighter, it is a bit easier to fit it all in.
Oh, and I think the 'chocolate phase' is more or less over!
Today I decided I would go and order a couple of pairs of new glasses. As I have to wear them all the time now, since my sight started to deteriorate in my forties, I thought I would treat myself to a couple of really glamorous pairs in the BOGOFF at Specsavers. Then I can wear different pairs with different outfits, which is what I really love to do. One pair are bright pink and red, and the others are a dark bluey-purple with flowers down the sides!
I always like to look good, and have decided to incorporate the specs into my 'look'!
No need to look dowdy, even if I am in my 50s!
I have also walked 11000 steps today!
I decided to concentrate on another aspect of BC; 'Move your body'. I like walking above any other sort of exercise, hate the gym, hate going to classes, hate swimming (unless I'm on holiday somewhere hot!) and I'm not going to force myself to do something I dislike, because I know I just won't stick with it. I've been wanting for some time to include the walking in my daily activity, and have at last hit on a method to do it. I watched an item on a TV programme last week which said that you should walk 10 000 steps per day. I had bought a pedometer before Christmas but hadn't used it at all, as I didnt want to be focusing on calorie burning. So I just googled '10 000 steps' and hit on this website. It said that you need to work up to that number of steps which made a lot of sense, so since midweek I have been trying to do this, and am currently up to around 8,500 from 6,500.
I 'm really pleased, as I can fit this into my daily activity, I can easily push the steps up by extending the amount I walk around at work; walking and jogging around the hall in a PE lesson with my class; walking around the playground when I'm on duty, and walking from one building to the other on our school site. Plus if like today, I fit in a walk to town, this pushes it up even more.
Oh, and I seeme to have got back into my eating routine a bit better too!
Having a minor 'blip' at the moment. January is one of my worst times, Christmas is over, I'm a year older, the weather is crap and I am skint!
So I do know why it is happening. 'It' being the temptation to eat when I am not hungry. I'ts so annoying when I really felt I had this thing just about sorted. It's just that blind desire to eat, and it's so hard to resist at times.
Pause, pause, pause. Think..... Is this really what I want to do?
After... how does this feel,, How does this food feel in my body? Is this how I want to feel?
I know I can get over this.
AND I WONT ATTACK MYSELF FOR IT EITHER!
I just want to celebrate how wonderful it is to begin the new year without that horrible pressure of thinking you should be on a diet! Never being 'on' one means never coming 'off' one, so that feeling of guilt, pressure, depression or whatever is just not there.
