Dad's Birthday Lunch.

Today was my Dad's birthday lunch for his 86th birthday. My Mum is a great cook, and I usually come back from her house feeling like an overstuffed cushion! I really didn't want to feel like that, so I'll tell you how it all went.

I had a very small bowl of cereal at about 8.30 am which I didn't finish, as I had had enough.

So I was very hungry by the time I got over to Mum and Dad's at 1.30 having picked up my daughter and gone to the garden centre for some flowers.

We gave Dad his presents, said hello to everyone, and had some wine (I was driving, so only one glass for me!). Mum had put out a starter of smoked salmon, prawns and gravadlax for everyone to help themselves. This was good, as I could help myself to just a little bit, as I was starving by now!

Then came the main course, roast pork, potatoes, yorkshire pudding, vegetables, gravy. Again all the dishes were on the table, so I could just take what I wanted. I also made sure that I ate slowly, put my fork and knife down, and had a drink between mouthfuls. I was very concious of how full I was getting, and stopped when I had had enough. Mum had done lots of puddings, but I just had a little bit of profiterole, which I really enjoyed.

After that, chocolates and a birthday cake were produced, neither of which I was tempted to eat as by now I was as full as was comfortable.

I asked Mum if I could take a peice of cake home, and am sitting here at nine o'clock in the evening still feeling comfortably full!

Quite a succesful day, in all, and a good 'trial run', for Christmas!

Normal?!

I think I might be normal at last. Well a normal eater at least. (!) I'm not obsessing about food, I'm not binging, eating in the car, panicking, or obsessing.

I have gone through the stages of eating chocolate, cheese, cakes, ice cream, etc, and now tend to eat a fairly healthy selection of foods in normal portion sizes.

I don't wait for my husband to go out, or to bed, and then do wild snacking, and I don't raid the charity food box in the staffroom for chocolate coated brazils, and make myself sick on them in the car on the way home.

And I'm not worried about food at Christmas either!

Is this what being a normal eater is like?

The Common Cold.

How this ailment can be known as 'common' beats me! I have been feeling uncommonly ill over the last week really, finally given in to it today and stayed off work. I have a really stuffed up head and nose, can't breathe, and am constantly sneezing. The guilt that goes with taking time off work when a teacher is phenomenal. Everyone drags themselves in even when they should be at home, and thus the cold germs constantly circulate. But no-one says 'Oh I can see you are really ill, but thanks for the effort.' So today I decided after another sleepless night, that I had had enough, and that i would stay at home and take care of myself a bit. (Being my own guru, if you like!) Surprisingly, I have kept to only eating when I am hungry. I'ts surprising because formally, illness would have been a good excuse for a binge. But as I don't really do that anymore, i have had a fairly 'normal' days eating. In fact I haven't eaten a lot, not really that hungry.

Oh, and I have lost more weight! About half a stone now.

Coming Together

I still feel as if things are really coming together. I have solved my 'breakfast dillemma'' too. It sounds pathetic, but I was having a real struggle about what to do about breakfast during the week. It takes me about 2 hours to work up to feeling hungry enough to eat breakfast, crazy I know, but I have a real disinclination to eat unless I really am hungry now. So I wasn't eating it and then feeling faint and hungry by the time the children came in at 9am. So now I am eating at around 8.30 in the staffroom, having cereal or yoghurt and muesli, and this keeps me going brilliantly until lunchtime; about 12.45 for me, by the time I have prepped my afternoon lessons. I can't really understand why it has taken me this long to work out a system!

I am still having problems with asking for what I want at times. If my o/h is preparing dinner I find it so hard to say; noI don't want such and such, I would rather have ......
But I'm aware of this, and I'm working on it!

Could it possibly be....???

That this is working?

I think I have lost a few pounds, and my clothes are definitely getting looser again. I went out for a meal on Saturday and could hardly eat half of my portion, I just physically could not eat past the point of satisfaction.

So I'm wondering if this is beginning to work at long last?

Small Successes.

I feel that things are going quite well at the moment.

I am managing to eat quite intuitively nearly all of the time, it is becoming second nature to me now, and it's not painful or a nuisance. For instance last week I had Open Evening at school which is usually a pain eating wise, as I am working way past the time when I would usually eat. We usually have a little buffet prepared for us by support staff during the evening, but it's all 'cold party food' eg; quiches, sausage rolls, pitta bread, cakes etc (all very unappetising). It's hard to resist even if you don't really like that sort of food (like me) as you get very hungry, but only have a 5 minute break to get something to eat. Last year I realised that I didn't really like this food (hadn't really thought about it before to be honest) but was eating it to keep me going. So this year I decided to use coffee to keep me going, and buy something at the little M&S near my house on the way home that I really wanted to eat. I bought a steak and onion baguette (quick to prepare in the microwave) and it was really delicious! Then I went to bed, as I was so tired. Previously I would have kept on eating, not realising that what I really needed to do was go to bed.

It's small successes like this that I am finding so encouraging at the moment!

Back to the grind!

I have had such a peaceful week. We were staying on a little island in the Argyll region of Scotland called Seil. It was such a peaceful, quiet place, just the 2 of us.
We went walking, and did a bit of sightseeing. The weather was fine, dry and bright mostly. I had a good week, eating wise, having taken Geneen Roth with me, I think it helped me to focus on a few things, I just read a bit before I went to bed each night, and it really helped. I lost it a bit at the weekend, we were staying in a big hotel in Edinburgh for a family weekend for the charity I'm involved with, and I found it harder to stay focused. But I didn't do too badly, and I'm not beating myself up over it. I've found that drinking alchohol also doesn't help, and these wekends can get quite boozy! Still it's a nice way to relax with friends, and we have a real laugh.

2 things I really enjoyed eating at the weekend; porridge, and Cullen Skink!

Slainte Mhor!

I won't be posting for a while, as I am off to Scotland for a little while. Hoping for lots of fresh air and walks. I even have my own walking poles!

Going to steer clear of the haggis though!

'Moving' ... at last!

Yuerck, Had to get rid of that terrible 'Dream' post. Sorry about that!

I have been moving a bit more recently. My o/h and I have been making use of the fact that we are about half a mile away from some beautiful country parks. We have been out the last two weekends and have walked for 2-3 hours.

This is to prepare for a week in Scotland where we hope to do lots more.

http://www.essexinfo.net/southwealdpc/

Dreams

I am one of those people who have very vivid dreams, disturbingly so at times. A dream I had last week has been really bothering me and I'm still wondering what was behind it. In my dream I had been involved in a terrible accident, or had had a very serious illness, and another woman that I did not know had had the same thing. The gist of the dream is this: This woman and I had had surgery and our faces had been transplanted on to each other. She had my face, and I had hers. The most disturbing part of the dream was when I looked in the mirror, and saw that the face looking back at me was not mine. Also our teeth had been exchanged, and my lovely straight teeth had been swapped for terrible crooked ones! I was so upset (in my dream) as I am really proud of my teeth!
I have several thoughts about it. Maybe I have been watching too many episodes of '10 years younger'! I know my appearance does mean an awful lot to me, and obviously I am aware of the ageing process. Also I am really vain about my teeth, I know I am really lucky to have such good even teeth, and I'm always flossing etc, to look after them! But I have been trying recently to be less concerned about the size and shape of my body, and just to eat healthily and enjoy life.
I am certainly less hung up over it than I used to be!

Goodness knows why I am writing all this, and what the heck it has to do with IE I do not know, (!) but maybe writing it all down like this will get it out of my system!

It's nearly a year since I started Beyond Chocolate, since I attended the workshop that is. It was really a turning point for me, and has given me an entirely new focus, as far as eating is concerned. I don't ever worry about dieting now, obviously my body weight and size is still a concern and I would like to be smaller.
But I have learned over the years, that dieting is not going to ever 'fix' this for me, and so that part of my life is finished. A lot of the 'disordered' eating that I did has also stopped, and this is greatly heartening for me. I used to be so distressed about the fact that I couldn't control myself in certain situations, and really hated myself for what I saw was my 'lack of control'. Of course what I now know is that I had extraordinary control over my food intake for quite lengthy periods of time, and that the 'disordered' phases of my eating were due to this strict regime that I took up at others. Funnily enough, now that I have 'legalised' a lot of my so called 'forbidden foods' I don't actually want them at all! In fact now I am not on a diet, I eat far less sweet stuff, and rubbish than I did when I was dieting. The chocolate bars (Swiss milk chocolate is my favourite at the moment) just sit in the cupboard for weeks on end, and I bought some Madeleines when I did my on-line shop (they looked so tempting) but I have eaten a couple of them, and really they are pretty tasteless and bland. So they will probably end up in the bin! I eat a lot of fruit) as per my last entry, and love salads, fish, white meat and veg.
Even my alcohol intake has gone down, as it sometimes makes me feel a bit grotty in the mornings, I found myself pouring my wineglass full into my husbands glass tonight, as I decided I didn't really fancy it after all.

The one area which I still feel I need to work on is the 'Move' principal. I just can't get motivated now I have started teaching in a new department at school. The hours are even longer, and I can't seem to find the time or energy.

I Love Fruit

I do.

I love fresh pineapple, melon; especially honedew melon, fresh figs, plums, grapes; especially black ones, and apples; russets are my favourites at the moment.

That's all I want to say today!

Looking Back

I had quite a tough day at work today, getting used to teaching a new year group, and trying to get (some) of my class to knuckle down to some work. I had to get quite tough with one or two of them, (which I really hate doing, as they are sweeties really!) So I kept them in at playtime, which was a real shock, I don’t think they thought I’d really do it! By the end of the day (desperate for the loo, and no-one to call on to relieve me!) I had really had enough. I was thinking as I went home, that formerly I would have bought chocolate or sweets at the garage on my way home. I wasn’t tempted at all though, as it comes naturally (most of the time!) to ‘tune in’, and think about what I really want, and what would comfort me. I just decided that I wanted a drink, (nice cup of tea when I got home), a tasty dinner ( salmon stir fry made by o/h) and a relaxing evening with no school work! Well I got the first two, but the last is unlikely! It is reassuring to look back on what I used to be like, and think how far I have come down this road. And it’s Friday tomorrow!

GRrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Isn't it always the way, when you feel things are going smoothly, things start to go wrong?

I was beginning to think I had settled back into my routine, when I think I took my eye off the ball! It was the weekend, and I had a couple of meals out, which was fine. Then I was on my own on Sunday doing my weeks planning (which took over 3 and a half hours; and that wasn't all of it!) when I couldn't stop eating a loaf of white bread which I had bought that day before. Then today at work I started eating digestive biscuits which were on the staffroom table. I had just had my lunch, I wasn't hungry, and I ended up with horrendous indigestion!

I think, I was so complacent becaus things were going so well, that I just forgot to tune in and ask myself what it was that I really wanted. A lot of the time, its just a bit of space, or a bit of time to myself. That eating is just a way of prolonging something pleasurable. I forgot to pause and ask myself if I was really hungry.

Oh well, back to the drawing board!

Back to Earth...

... with a bump!

And back to work. I spent most of last week getting my clasroom ready, and we were back with 2 Inset days, and then the children were in for the first time today. The 2 Inset days (In Service Educational Training) were exhausting, and it was nice to have the children in for a rest! Eating wise I am back into my IE routine, and its been very easy, and quite a relief to get back to it properly. I am nearer to the staff room this year, and this makes it easier at break times, also I can eat my breakfast just before the children come in, if I want to.

My digestion seems to have settled down too, which is a bonus. One of our members of staff has just succesfully lost over 4 stone using a system of meal replacements. She looks an awful lot better for it, and as she is not a 'serial dieter' like I am, it should work o.k. for her. I did catch myself thinking 'Hmmm, could I do that? But I know I couldn't, and the thought was only there for a moment. I would much rather try to conquer my dieting and weight demons the kind 'Beyond Chocolate' way!

Two weeks in Heaven!

And I mean that! I have had two lovely weeks on holiday with my daughter in Ibiza. It's our yearly time together on our 'girly holiday'. The days we spent either by the pool (me) or in the pool (her). Or we would take an outing, or a boat trip, or walk to the splendid Hippy Market in our resort (shopping heaven!) Evenings we watched the hotel's excellent entertainment, or walked around Ibiza town.

The first week I think I was pretty strict with myself, and kept to the principles quite well. I knew I wasn't doing so well the second week when I developed horrendous heartburn (always a sign that I am overdoing it) The food (a very varied buffet) was good in that you can choose what you want to eat, but I just think 3 meals a day was too much for me. I haven't yet been able to sit and eat nothing at a meal when others are eating, and I couldn't skip meals because of my daughter.

But I'm not going to beat myself up, I had a great time, and I don't think too much damage has been done. I have pretty much returned to my normal eating routine now I an home.

I'll miss all that lovely fruit though, especially the melon! It never tastes quite as good at home!

blogging from holidays

well this is a new experience. i am blogging from a hotel in ibiza, and the money for the terminal is running out. its pretty hard to do ie on holiday, but i am trying hard not to overeat, and am sticking to fruit in stead of puddings. the alchohol is hard to resist too.

sorry for the awful punctuation.

Holidays!

I am going on holiday next Saturday to Ibiza with my daughter. I am really looking forward to spending some time with her, as she doesn't live at home any more. We are staying in a lovely hotel, and will be eating in the restaurant every evening. We have stayed in this type of hotel before, and the evening buffet suits us very well, as you can see what you are getting. It should be fine with IE, as I can eat until I am satisfied, and then stop. They usually have a fabulous selection of fresh fruit too, at all the meals, which is great.

I have lots of books to read, and will also swim a lot and join in with the daily aqua aerobics. We will do some sightseeing and shopping too.

Plus, I will get a break from young children, as this hotel is over 16s only!

See you soon!

Butler's Wharf.

I had such a fun time at my friends 30th birthday drink. I met 2 other friends from work, and we went to this bar/restaurant on the Thames.http://www.browns-restaurants.com/menu-butlerswharf.php I knew I had to have only enough to drink so I would enjoy myself and be safe on the way home, and this I managed to do fine. So what is different between having this ability, and the abilty to eat enough, but not overeat? Well, not much really.
I suppose it's tuning in, and listening to one's body, just the same really.
The inability to do this would indicate a possible problem with alchohol I presume, whereas the inability to control ones food intake is not regarded in a similar light, but can end up being just as serious I think. I've often looked at extremely overweight people, and thought that it's so sad that their struggles with food are so visible. It's such a pity.

So for me, IE has become my new concience, where eating is concerned. It has replaced (pretty much) my obsession with calories and fat content. But I do think about it every day, and measure my day's 'sucess', or otherwise, on how I have dealt with the principles.

I've just had my second week off, and it's lovely, especially as the weather is much better.

1 week to go, and then I am off on holiday to Ibiza for 2 weeks with my daughter. Can't wait!

I'm still having an up and down time with IE. Which means that some days I seem to be able to keep to most of the principles, but on other days my inner rebel is out there. Also I have been pretty unkind to myself a lot of the time.

Of course I have a lot more time on my hands 'cos it is the school holidays, You'd think I would be really happy which I am some of the time, but at others i feel out of my routine, and I miss my school friends. i do get a bit down sometimes in the holidays which seems so strange as I really look forward to them! Teaching is a funny job. It is exhausting and so high pressured for most of the time, and then when the holidays come its a bit like someone who has had a limb amputated.

I think I have got into a better routine with eating today, and I'm going to try to stick with it. I'm going out to meet some friends from work for a collegue's birthday which I am now looking forward to, as I'm feeling a bit more up, and have stopped attacking myself. I managed to do this by making a mental list of all the good things about myself, and it really helped.

A Fresh Start.

Since I last blogged, things have settled down a bit for me. It's 2 weeks since I started the HRT, and things are improving slowly.
I have also started exercising again, now that I am feeling a bit better (I was feeling quite ill with the menopause symptoms; the doctor said the way I was feeling was all down to that)
We have also made some decisions about my daughter's future, she is going to live nearer to us when she gets her own place, which has allayed my worries about her quite a bit.

I am trying to revisit all of the principles, focusing on; 'eat when you are hungry', 'stop when satisfied', and 'move your body'.

Mind you; the first one rebounded badly on me at the weekend, I was going shopping to Lakeside ( Q; What's an Essex girls favourite w(h)ine? A; 'I want to go to Lakeside!' ) and had only eaten a banana. Unfortunately I got stuck on the M25 for 4 hours! when it was shut after a series of accidents. Boy, was I starving and bad tempered by the time I got there! I certainly learned from that what feeling hungry feels like! (something I have struggled with in the past)
I think I learned that it is not such a good idea to get so hungry, as you tend to eat past satisfaction. But I also learned that being that hungry won't kill me either!

I am looking forward to the holidays now; 6 weeks off, now I remember why I went into teaching!

Thanks everyone.

Just a short note to all of you who sent me good wishes. Thanks I am feeling a lot better. I have discussed my daughter's situation with my o/h and we both feel the same way, so that is good.

Also I have started HRT, so I'm hoping to feel physically better quite soon.

I'm getting back on track with my eating too.

Sometimes I find it hard to ask others for support, but as one of you said, it's better to do so.

Thanks again.

A Rotten Time.

I havn't been feeling very happy for the last few days, in fact I've had a minor depressive attack. I put on this great front to the world, but inside I'm dying...

I've been really worried about my daughter's future living arrangements. Not to go into too many details, but she has quite a severe learning disability, but we have done everything we can to encourage her to be able to live as independently as possible. Some hopes we (and she) had for the future are looking very dubious now, and it is a real worry. Plus I have been told that I must move year groups at work next year, and leave my darling infant children and department friends. I'm 'going up to the juniors'! I dont want to! So this has peed me off majorly too.

Plus (as if all this wasn't enough!) I am getting some menopausal symptoms which are really unpleasant, and its affecting my ability to sleep.

I was also on my own a lot this weeken as my o/h was working. And the weather is horrible!

So I have been feeling really low. I discovered that when I really feel bad like this that I have no coping strategies, nothing to turn to but my friend food! So I allowed myself to eat when I wasn't hungry, because I really couldn't think of any other way to comfort myself, and the feelings of pain were unbearable.

Not that the food takes the pain away of course, but it does dull it for a while.

So at least I am recognising what i am doing, even if I felt powerless to do anything else to comfort myself.

I'm a bit better today, I've been to work, and it's amazing how much better I feel as soon as I am around people.

Clotted Cream Part 2

Clotted cream is a thick yellow cream made by heating unpasteurized cow's milk and then leaving it in shallow pans for several hours. During this time, the cream content rises to the surface and forms 'clots'. Clotted cream purists prefer the milk to come from cows in the English counties of Devon and Cornwall.
When clotted cream is not commercially available, a reasonable facsimile may be made by combining two parts whole milk with one part whipping (heavy) cream, heating at the very lowest possible heat for a couple of hours until a skin forms, leaving it undisturbed overnight, and then harvesting the skin and its underclots. The remaining milk may be consumed or used in any number of recipes.
In the European Union, Cornish clotted cream is a protected designation of origin for cream produced by the traditional recipe in Cornwall. True Cornish clotted cream must be made from unpasteurized milk or the clots will not form. It has a minimum fat content of 55%.
Clotted cream is generally served as part of a cream tea (also known as a Devonshire Tea) on (warm) scones with strawberry or raspberry jam.

This is for all you readers who are wondering what the heck clotted cream is!

Clotted Cream for Breakfast!

I seem to be getting back into the swing of intuitive eating. I've really been fancying clotted cream and strawberries for the last couple of days. So I decided to buy some on Saturday. But I'm never hungry enough to eat a dessert, so I thought 'well why not have some for breakfast?', which I did this morning. It was truly delicious, and quite a nice way to start the day.

I can't imagine ever doing this in my 'dieting days'! But it had to be clotted cream, runny cream would not have been the same. I actually couldn't eat that much of the cream, but it was delicious!

Finally feel like blogging!

I just haven't felt like blogging recently, been busy finishing reports. They are nearly all done now. I am still sticking with BC, even though in the last week or so I have felt like kicking over the traces and packing the whole thing in. This is nothing to do with BC, and all to do with me! It would be the typical pattern that I would usually have on a diet after this length of time

, the novelty has well worn off, and out it would go, followed by an almighty binge!

But I have resisted this temptation, and avoided the binge, by thinking to myself, if I pack this in then what? I remembered back to how desperate I felt when I went to that first workshop, and how BC seemed the answer to all my prayers. Certainly nothing better is going to come along, and I need to get myself out of this rut, and realise that it is harder work than I originally thought it would be, but its still better than any diet!

The picture is of me and my kids; son's 21st at the weekend! (we made him take the rest of the cake back to share with his uni friends!)

No Title.

I have been thinking a lot this week about hunger signals, and satiety. It is still hard to wait until I am hungry, as sometimes it takes a long time. Also a lot of the time I don't actually recognise that I am hungry until I'm starving, and then it's hard to stop at satisfaction level. Its because of so many years ignoring my hunger signals.

So that's what I'm focusing on at the moment, and I know it's because I really want to lose some more weight. Equally there is no way I am going back on any diet, so the only way I can see it happening is if I do Intuitive Eating really well. So I'm doing the best I can, but it's still not easy!

But better than being on a diet!

Review /Refresh

I am having a mini refresher course reading the Beyond Chocolate book. It is amazing how much you forget, or don't practice in your daily life when you are living with IE. i suppose there is a lot to think about with all of the principles, so it's hardly surprising that some 'bits' go by the wayside. I've tried to concentrate on 'tuning in' and realised, that I was so busy tuning in for hunger signals, that I forgot to think about my emotions. So it's been useful. Also the 'pausing' when you are not sure if you are hungry. I've got to hunt for my little egg timer, it was really useful, but I had forgotton about using it.

It's funny how 8 months on there is such a lot still to deal with. I'm a little nearer sorting out my hunger sensations, I suppose I have had a lifetime of dieting and ignoring when I was hungry, and it's not surprising that I find it so hard to realise if I am hungry or not.

Back to work next week, but only 7 weeks to go, and then 6 weeks of freedom!

Mind you, I have spent most of this week on reports!

This post is rubbish!

I'm skipping off from writing reports for a couple of minutes. Hah! Have done 7, and have another 23 to go!

Had a lovely weekend away near Winchester with my SO. I love that; SO; it stands for 'significant other', fantastic phrase. It was a very rainy weekend, but we had a look around Portsmouth (HMS Victory), it was great to actually see where Nelson fell. (That's enough teacher talk!)
We had a swim as well which was nice, as the water was lovely and warm. I have been walking too (a bit but I hate the rain!)
As far as eating went, I relaxed into it and ate when I wanted to, and although I didn't always stop when I was satisfied,(the food was too nice!) I was aware of that.
I had the feeling when I got back that I often had when I was dieting, a feeling that I had overeaten (although I didn't that much) and should be doing some sort of diet. It's only just occoured to me that I might be subconciously attacking myself for not dieting!

So I'm going to take it easy on myself this week, but also I'm re-reading some of the BC book.
Also I have a couple of shopping trips lined up with my son and daughter; so the old credit card will be taking a bashing. (Always good, a bit of retail therapy)

Migraine

I have been really ill with a migraine this week. I was ill for 3 days, that bad that I had to stay off work, which is very unusual for me. I have had migraines for a number of years after I had a car accident, and the medication I take usually prevents them, but not this time. This made it hard for me to eat intuitively, because all I could think about was the pain.

Eating often eases the pain, although only for a short amount of time. I realised that eating when I was not hungry was a way of medicating myself, when actual 'medication' was not working. So I decided to eat to numb the pain, and to blank out what was happening and it worked!

The next day I felt a bit better, and the day after I was more or less recovered. I have found it quite easy to go back to my normal eating (when I am hungry) and it really hasn't been difficult at all. I think this is because I was so much more aware of what was really going on than I have ever been before. And I wasn't attacking myself, as I would have done before BC.

O/h and I are going away for the weekend, which will be nice! And then it's half term ;) but I have to start report writing ;( !!!!!!

Itchy.

Oooh, I have been having a really funny week. I'm not really sure what has been going on, so I'm just going to write and see what I say.
I have had this queer 'itchy', 'longing', 'wanting', feeling all week. I have been feeling a bit low, and it's been bugging me that I haven't heard anything about the job I applied for. Also I haven't been sleeping too well, and as a result I feel really tired. I also know that the weather hasn't helped, this kind of rainy overcast weather always gets to me. The 'wanting' is a feeling I recognise, it's something I have felt periodically the whole of my life I think. BBC (Before Beyond Chocolate) I always ate to dull it (but it always comes back!). So the temptation to eat to get rid of the feeling has been strong. But I have decided not to do this, I have eaten when I felt hungry, and have pretty much stopped when I was satisfied. I decided to see how it would feel just to 'feel the feeling', and try and analyse what it was. That was pretty ok actually, it wasn't too bad just going with the feeling, and its actually gone away pretty much, exept for after meals.
So I have discovered that I can feel my feelings, even bad ones, and its ok!

This is the stage I get to with most diets, and when I would normally kick over the traces, and say; Oh sod it! But this time I have enough insight to just be able to work out what is going on (I think!)
I hope this entry isn't too rambling!
I'm looking forward to seeing my daughter E at the weekend, she always makes me stop thinking about myself!

Stuff I don't eat any more.

I was thinking today about all the foods I used to eat BBC (Before Beyond Chocolate) and thought I would make a list;

• Weightwatchers meals (yuck!)
• Low fat yoghurts (Much prefer Greek Yoghurt!)
• Boots 'Shapers' bars
• Special K ( I very rarely eat breakfast now, as I am never usually hungry first thing)
• Cadburys Dairy Milk (just don't like the taste)
• Galaxy (ditto)
• Skips, Doritos, any 'low fat' crisps (Much prefer Kettle chips!)
• Sugar free jelly
• Nimble or other 'diety' bread (Give me walnut bread or Ciabatta!)
• Weightwatchers or other 'diet'cakes (don't eat a lot of cake now, I'm rarely hungry enough to eat any sort of dessert)

The principle 'Enjoy', means I only eat the foods that I really, really want to now. Before I didn't even think if I really liked something that much, I ate it because it was low calorie, or some diet book told me to! I also spend a lot less time agonising over food choices now, which has given me a great deal of peace of mind.

Funnily enough, I don't eat loads of crisps,chocolate, cake or ice cream; all the foods I used to binge on. Having given myself permission to eat them if I want to, I find that I'm not that bothered!

Not A Lot To Say....!

I have been a bit preoccupied this week, and probably a little unfocused. I am applying for a new job (shhh! don't tell anyone!) which will be a big change for me, and it is in a different educational setting to what I am used to. I have been giving it a great deal of thought, and so my attention has not really been on my eating. Plus I have been very busy, and haven't had time to do any exercise.

All this sounds like a whole load of excuses to me, (and may to you too if you are reading this) but hey, as they say, Sh!t happens!!!! And the point is, that this is LIFE not a diet!

On the plus side, I went to the BC tea party which was fun, it was lovely to put some real faces to the names I read about on the BC forum and other blogs. Can't say I thought much of the actual 'tea', but it's hard to cater for those numbers. I also joined in with the chocolate tasting, which confirmed my suspicion that cheap chocolate is Not Worth Eating!!! Give me the good quality stuff every time, I really can't be doing with Cadburys Dairy Milk, Galaxy et al.

And I bought some fab new size 14 trousers from Next today!! Yay!

Telford Hangover!

I have had a bit of a boozy weekend, I spent it at a hotel in Telford (!) Was helping out at a CdLS (see link on the right) weekend, and it's a good social occasion with some very good friends too. I was pleased with the way I dealt with breakfast, usually at hotels the breakfast buffet is a real temptation, and then I end up chomping through piles of toast and butter! Well this time I just ate very sparingly at breakfast, (just enough to keep the hangover at bay!) I didn't exactly eat intuitively the rest of the time, it's hard when you are chatting over lunch or dinner to focus very closely, but I think I managed to notice my 'satisfied signal', and I didn't overeat. I realised last week that I had lost more weight, it's about 11 pounds now since last October when it all started. I was over the moon about it, because it is the first significant weight loss I have ever had without dieting. And I don't have the feeling that I sometimes did on a diet that I wouldn't be able to sustain it.

So I now want to focus on keeping up my walking, which I know is helping a lot, I didn't have any time last week as I had a lot of work to do at school.

To eat or not to eat (breakfast!)

Back to work, and so back to normality, and the daily question; to have or not have breakfast? I've discovered since I started this journey that I very rarely feel hungry first thing in the morning. This is fine at weekends and in the holidays (I'm a teacher, remember?) but in term time it's a bit harder as I can't choose when to stop and eat.

So what I have started to do is to have something, say a banana or fruit of some sort at 8.45 before the children come in at 9. This keeps me going until breaktime, when I can sit down and eat something with my coffee. On a playground duty day, I do tend to eat some breakfast as i wont get a proper break until lunchtime.

I think I have discovered that I like waiting until I am hungry to eat, and that I dislike the feeling of being overfull, so this is good progress as far as I am concerned.

6 monthiversary!

I've just realised that it is 6 months since I started this journey. I attended the Beyond Chocolate Workshop that started it all last October, and this was when I made some promises to myself. I promised that;

• I would never diet again.


• I would eat when I was hungry.

Because of years and years of dieting, binging, and yo-yoing with my weight, I was so fed up, tired and just generally at breaking point with my relationship with food. Before I attended that workshop I was really desperate for something, and during and after it, I knew that I had found the thing I was looking for. I know from my own experience that diets don't work, and that my realationship with food was pretty disordered. Now I don't think about food and 'forbidden foods' the way I used to. I don't stress about the things I am 'not allowed' to eat, because basically those things don't exist, I am 'allowed' to eat anything I want. But having given myself permission to eat what I want, my diet is actually pretty good. I actually don't eat loads of chocolate, cakes, chips, sweets etc which is quite a surprise. I actually walk past these things in the supermarket, and don't give them a second glance!

I have come a long way in 6 months!

A Box Of Chocolates

My darling son (20, 6 foot tall and hairy!)A bought me a box of chocolates today :) So unlike him, but bless him, he felt guilty because the Mothers day card he sent me got lost in the post! So I have just sat and eaten one slowly......................and four others in quick succession, and very unintuitively (if there is such a word!)

I also have been doing a bit of 'grazing', or rather 'carrying on eating past the point where I have had enough' if you like. I have had a curiously upsetting couple of days emotionally (my daughter has been home for a few days and she is finding it hard to adjust). While I can recognise that I am upset, and have been determined not to eat emotionally, I have slipped up now and then, and found myself eating mindlessly.!

But at least I recognise what I am doing!

Easter Weekend!

Normally this would be a difficult time for me; well difficult in that I would probably have thrown whatever diet I was doing overboard, and would have started eating everything in sight already! Or be struggling to keep to my diet/cut down ahead of the holiday. Now I feel a lot more in control, I am not stressing about what I am going to eat, and I'm not casting longing glances at Easter Eggs in the supermarket. In fact my kids( both adult now; but they're still my kids!) have asked for cds this year and I was feeling quite superior in Sainsbury's today looking at people with stacks of cheap chocolate eggs in their trolleys. I have chocolate at home, but it's good quality chocolate that I eat a couple of squares of when I fancy it.

We will have a big family dinner round my Mum's on Sunday, and I intend to enjoy it, but not overeat. I'm just looking forward to spending quality time with my family without gettting stressed about food!

The weather is lovely here at the moment so I've been doing a lot of walking (Its the school holidays too, so no work!).

Hot Snot and Bogie Pie.

An old playground rhyme;
Hot Snot and Bogie Pie
All mixed up with a dead dog's eye
Stir it up and eat it quick,
Wash it down with a cup of cold sick!

That old rhyme is pretty gross, it's what we used to say about our school dinners when I was at school. Really the point of this post is how when I was a child, (and many others too I guess) I was forced to eat foods I hated. This was especially the case with school dinners, we had to have a clean plate, and were not allowed to leave anything. This has left me with an absolute aversion to certain foods; butter beans, haricot beans, and kidney beans being the worse, I cannot abide these foods. The reason for making us eat all that was served up to us (we didn't have any choice in that either) was a fallout from the post war thinking about food being wasted I suppose. I was at primary school in the sixties (yes I am that old!) and the post war period was not that long ago.

How it has affected me is the above aversion to pulses, which I absolutely cannot think of trying to eat (which means most Mexican foods are out) and also a vague feeling of guilt when I don't clear my plate, even though I know it is ok, and not helping anyone if I don't!

So for me, and perhaps others of my generation, food is loaded with all kinds of feelings of fear and guilt which go back to our childhood.

Not surprising that we have 'issues' around food!

Fun, fitness and ... vampires(!)

Well I had a great day yesterday at 'The Vitality Show', at Olympia in London. The show is all about health, beauty and fitness, there is so much to see and do. I got loads of goodies, in fact I had to buy a box on wheels to trundle it all around in! The box itself is great too, as I've needed something like this for school for ages. I got to try some different products, some I liked; like hair straighteners, and makeup, and some I didn't; which was an instant eye lift! It looked great, but felt very stiff and uncomfortable, and the woman who applied it was a bit rude, to be honest! I met a new friend there from the Beyond Chocolate Form, and we tried every type of juice on offer in the place, and found some very nice new ones; plum was my favourite; yum!

I saw some fitness demos; my new friend participated in Tai Chi, which she found a lot more strenuous than it looks! I also thought it looked good, I'll have to look out for a class near me.

As I was about to leave I found out I could have had an injection of botox or fillers! Maybe next time!

Something really strange happened on the way home though; I saw two vampires on the tube! They were young, in their twenties, usual goth clothing, but they had fangs! And they didn't look fake, it looked like their real teeth, it was so wierd. Course they couldn't have been REAL vampires, cos it was daylight lol!

The Vitality Show /'moving'

I'm looking forward to the next couple of weeks. I'm going to the Vitality show at the weekend and I'm hoping to meet some BC buddies there. Also get some advice on clothes, exercise etc and generally have a fun time.

I also have had some difficulties with ummm... whisper it (constipation) recently. I've had to make the effort to eat breakfast, which I don't always feel hungry for, and to eat things that will, in a word; get me moving!

I HAVE Lost Weight!!

I felt like weighing myself for some reason this morning and have discovered that I have lost weight! It's about half a stone or slightly more since I stared BC. I am very pleased about this as this is the first time in my whole life that I have ever lost weight without dieting (and every time I did I put it back on anyway!) I am determined not to focus too much on what I have or haven't done to achieve this as I have heard that this can have a negative effect. But I will continue to be 'present' when I am eating, to eat what I want, and to stop when I am satisfied. I think the 'satisfied' signal is getting much easier to pick up for me, it is a very definite physical sensation for me now.

Hah! At last I am moving!!!

Well finally after a few fits and starts, I have started some exercise!! I have been really resistant to this since I started this journey, but finally as the weather has improved recently I have got up, dressed, and put my i-pod in , and done my favourite sort of exercise which is to walk! I learned to walk for fitness a couple of years ago using a book called; Aerobic Walking by a guy called Mort Malkin. He teaches a specific style of power walking, and its something I can just pick up again whenever I want to... So I'm feeling pretty good about that. I hate gyms, exercise classes etc, since I knackered my knees doing step aerobics in the 90s!

I have been thinking a lot recently about being slim, and how scary i found it, so watch for the next entry...

Settled.

I think I have settled down again since the nurse weighed me last week. I feel back to my old equilibrium, focusing on what i want to eat, and how hungry I am. If only the weather would warm up again, so I could feel more like getting out to walk. The Easter holidays are just over a week away, so I am looking forward to that.

How am I getting on?

Quite a lot has happened since I last posted. I have been weighed, as i went for a health check. I have very mixed feelings about this because I have been purposefully not weighing myself since last year. My weight is heavier than i would like, but more or less what I expected. But somehow knowing what I way has made me start to attack myself, and doubt what I am doing. I have been tempted to binge this evening, which I haven't been for some time. But I have at least gained enough insight to know what is happening and deal with my feelings without using food.

Writing this has helped too.

A tiring week at work, we have had an open evening, where we are at school from 8 am till 7.30 pm. We have a sort of buffet for when we have a break, which normally consisit of quite stodgey stuff like quiche, sausage rolls, bread etc. I decided to have it if I was hungry, which I was when I had a break around 6. I didn't overeat, and quite enjoyed it. I didn't eat later, which was good for me, as I normally get home very tired, and eat to stave off the tiredness. I didn't eat again as I wasn't hungry, decided I was tired and went straight to bed.

Since then I have had an ok week, I've been eating quite a lot of stodgy stuff since that buffet, more because I couldn't think what I wanted to eat really. It's lunches at work which I need to address, as I really can't think sometimes what I am going to want to eat later in the day. Friday was better, i took a salmon salad which i really enjoyed. But I don't always fancy salad especially when it is cold!

Refreshed!

I have had a day in London at the Beyond Chocolate refresher course. It was a bit of a nightmare getting there, as the local train company decided to use this weekend to close half of the line, and put buses on instead. I got there in the end, but the home journey took a long time, and I didn't get home until 10 oclock. The day itself was wonderful, with a group of like minded women, and led by wonderful Sophie from BC. One of the bits I loved was where we painted this fantastic mural, I'm going to do something similar with my class at school.

It was also great to meet some of my online friends from the BC forum! Nice to put a face, and voice to a name!

A lot of food for thought in the day, and also food for the 'inner woman', we had a lovely lunch and chocolate treats, and were given a cute little egg timer (pink of course!)

I think I got a real boost from the day, it was very useful to go over the whole 'tuning in', process again, and also to be reminded about things like pausing, and the negative messages we tell ourselves the whole time.

I brought back some little pink gerbera daisies, and they are sitting in a little vase as I type.

Back to work!

I have had a good few days, eating wise, and have done a bit of walking too. I felt as if I had lost weight, but have resisted weighing myself, as I know this would be a bad thing!!!

I have had a bit of chocolate when I wanted it, have only had the white and raspberry chocolate so far, but it is very nice. I have decided to stop trying to like plain chocolate, as it really is too bitter for me, I will stick with good quality milk and white chocolate. My appetite is still low at the moment, but I have decided to live with it, I'm sure it will be swings and roundabouts.

I am supposed to be going on a Beyond Chocolate refresher Course at the weekend, which I am looking forward to.

It's been ok being back at work, nice to see friends, and the children again. I never discuss my eating issues at work, so it's nice to let off steam here!

Hunger? Where's it gone?

Well I have had a funny couple of days. Went out with Mum and Eleanor on Thursday which involved a lot of driving for me. I didn't have breakfast before I went out as I wasn't hungry. I was by the time I got round Mums after picking up E, but decided to wait until we had lunch, wich was fine. I had a lovely pizza, and some coke and a coffee which filled me up. I had some bread and a banana late evening. Yesterday I had breakfast around 10, toast and a banana, then decided I would have coffee and cake at Lakeside when I got hungry. Well I didn't get hungry, but decided around 2 that I was tired and needed a break, so had the coffee and cake anyway. Didn't feel hungry at dinner time, but decided to eat any way, and had chicken, pasta and veg.

Today I have waited until now (11.35 ish) and I am just beginning to feel hungry so will eat soon.

I just have to realise that I am like this, some days I don't feel very hungry at all, but if I need the comfort of eating something, then I can, as long as I recognise what I am doing.

It's a bit annoying because I bought some chocolate from Hotel Chocolat, but havn't felt hungry for it yet!

Valentine's Day

Just a normal day for me really as 0/h and myself really don't celebrate it that much, too commercial for us. But we will have a nice dinner and some wine, which I can enjoy without guilt now I'm off the dieting bandwagon. I have got quite a nice Chinese to have when he comes in, and I will eat as much as I want until I feel satisfied.

I had a good nights sleep after my pampering yesterday. I feel very chilled and relaxed, as I am off work for the week.

I am taking my Mum and daughter out shopping for the day tommorow, and we will probably have lunch out.

Pampering, Goddess Style.

I have had a pampering day today, I had a lovely Clarins facial, a pedicure, and had my nails done. Feeling very relaxed, and chilled as I am off work this week!

I have only eaten twice, as I was out around lunchtime; deliberately had my breakfast late.

I bought some treats from the new patisserie in town, and found that the chocolate mousse cake I had was a bit too sickly for me, I'll look for something a bit fruiter next time. It's that thing of eating what you 'think' you want again.

I'm feeling a bit resistant to doing pilates at the moment, I haven't really got into a routine with it yet. I might try again tommorow.

Monday

Well I think blogging must be harder than dieting, I had a hell of a job getting into this again today!

Quite a good day so far, one of the hardest things for me; is to eat slowly, years of rushing through my meals are hard to break. Also I think the bit I read in one of my books last week (Geneen Roth) about what you want to eat has really made me think. She says when you start on this type of programme (mindful eating, no forbidden foods) you eat a lot of sweet stuff, because of all the years of depriving yourself of them. After a while, apparently, you can begin to tell what you really want to eat rather than what you 'think' you want! (If that makes sense?)

So today I have eaten two slices of toast, one with butter, and one with jam.

Half of an M and S pasta salad, and a cream slice, have saved the other for o/h, normally I would have scoffed them both and hidden the evidence!

I feel comfortable now, about 4 on the hunger scale; 0 is starving, 10 is stuffed. (Another really useful tool)

Half term

I have a week off for half term, so I'm hoping this will be a good week. I want to do some exercise, and writing this will hopefully stop me from eating when I am not hungry.

No food is forbidden

Well here goes, my very first blog entry.

As the title suggests, this blog is going to deall with my issues around food and eating. I have a petty good record having been on or off a diet for most of my life. I have also been a slimming club leader, and recently attended a Beyond Chocolate workshop. The idea is to eat when you are hungry, and stop when you are satisfied.
Mindful eating is what i am trying to acheive, so that I am 'present' while I eat, and thus do not overeat(!)
Geneen Roth's books have also been an inspiration